getting my period twice in a month has to do with it. has to do with my anxiety, with my depression, with my sensitivity. i keep hearing the song of aeris. i keep thinking about you know who. i just hate saying his name i dont know why. i guess it reminds me of too much and too much pain. i am in pain and i know i said yesterday that i was ready to move on, but it feels harder today than it did yesterday. im struggling to feel sane and to feel motivated to do what i have to do today. i cant think. maybe i wont read the book today its too deep, that might have to do with my anxiety too. i guess i should pray but i dont know about what, it seems selfish to just keep praying for help without giving any love in return it suxs. but im still gonna try.

this weekend was amazing. not one instance did i reject Kevin in my heart, not one second did i doubt the love that i now know i have for him. i know he still loves me, i know he doesnt repent of giving me chances, he doesnt repent of fighting for our love. To God i am grateful because i know his grace is evident. but im scared, really scared scared im going to screw this up, scared i cant handle it, scared that this is too much for me and that in the end ill back out like always, afraid ill hurt kevin, scared his patience and kindness will run out of mercy and will seek freedom and justice somewhere else. ive had anxiety but it hasnt overwhelmed me like demons screaming in my ear, instead its been an awareness that i have to be careful, but im compelled to do what i can and to give him the good i have while i can. i think i might be thinking about him too much, thinking too much about the conversation about cheating and the fear that comes with it. i gotta wait and see how this anxiety develops. its not strong but ill do anything to stop it even if it means pushing kevin away. i have felt the pressure of doing things this way because kevin might get hurt. im afraid of disappointing him. it suxs. i dont know if i wanna see him. i dont know if i want to call him

i really cant think about nothing else. i still hope that he likes me deep down inside. i still hope that he calls me, that for an instant he is missing me like i miss him. i wish that wasnt the case. i wish my heart had left him in the unwanted part, but thats not the case. i dont understand why the fire hasnt gone out. after persuing something that has rejected me why do i want to be in the same road? so im trying to control my heart, trying to be wiser than before, im going to through much pain. i realize how much i reject what is worthy and welcome that which is uncaring and cruel to me at least when it comes to guys. i cant help but wonder if this is my judgement because i tried to get him off my heart but that obviously proved illusive. the minute he called,texted,the minute he added me on facebook i didnt turn back. i cant see the evil if there was a bad intention from the beginning. i think i couldnt control myself, i couldnt behave like i didnt want more than friendship. But he insisted. i told him to layoff and he called me the next day. but i cant blame him for that too. i wish i could pinpoint exactly why i should be angry. why im right and he is wrong. i cant help but blame me, and i feel pitiful, like a looser because of that because in my mind im wrong and he is right. i dont know if ill ever feel and find somebody who i am attracted to like i have been to alex. im going to keep to my promise for myself to not make a fool of myself anymore even though for the most part i was,but its never too late and i hope this is the turn around as bad as it hurts and as much as i wish things were different im never going to bug him again. And i hope he doesnt want to come back into my life so i can keep my promise. see my promise is fragile because what i feel for him is very stubborn. i wish i didnt have to let go. i wish he liked me, i wish he loved me as much as i love him. and i dont know what to do because im becoming a closed minded person who cant see a guys beauty and is very unappreciative of any other male companionship. so i find myself alone due to a lot of things. i think what i feel for him is still too sensitive and i dont think it will be another way and if it is one day maybe i can face him,but im afraid it wont be so. so i thought about it, and i feel unsure, i want to make the best decision, the smartest and wisest in the eyes of God.
options
1. i could show up
2. not show up

i feel like if i show up, it will not be good for me because ill be feeding the part of myself that has no self-respect and low dignity and will wag its tail like a faithful dog infront of his presence. theres no way it would be different i know myself that much. the next day ill feel deppressed because i would probably feel his rejection and ask myself why a million times. and despite wanting to ignore him i would be feeling the environment to read his every movement. so my heart would be on him and not on ashley. i wish i didnt see myself behaving this way,but im not that strong when it comes to this. i guess running away from this emotional deprivation will prove to myself that im stronger than i thought. i dont want my heart to be on him anymore, i dont want my heart to be on someone who is not my confidant.

2. i dont show up. i never saw alex thats a plus. i isolated myself and thats bad. i guess if i feel ive isolated myself this is not the only place im doing this ive been doing this for a long time. if i feel like i shouldnt isolate myself i should be more open minded to meeting people, but why do that with his circle of friends. i should be smarter and look beyond his circle,especially his.

so i think i see behind my intentions and know how not to trick myself into a trap.
stay away from him.

Today i decide even though all my being fights against it to stop blaming God for everything that is happening to me. i am going to stop thinking suicidal thoughts too. im going to stop being mad at myself for the condition i am in, but rather im going to nurture myself with the right things and in due time i will reap good things from my thoughts. i can do all things in christ who strengthens me. i am going to do the things i dont want to do because it is Gods will for me i am going to study and i am going to finish school even though i dont want to. i am going to learn to take responsibility for my actions. i am going to learn not to destruct myself but to forgive myself and to learn and move on for my own good. i am going to learn to be at peace with myself. i am going to learn not to worry about what others think of me. i am going to learn to walk in the spirit. i am going to learn to listen to others. i am going to learn to be grateful. i can do all things in christ who strengthens. i am going to stop being immature and learn to learn once and for all the things that God wants to teach me and be humble about it. my voice is not right the voice of God is what is right and he says i can get out of this depresssion he says i can finish school he says i can study he says i can watch tv he says i can be loving he says i can surpass all my destruction he says he is with me he says he has sent help to be there for me he says i can overcome every temptation he says i can be of good testimony. he says i can do all things in christ who strengthens me and i decide today to believe it.

im tired and stressed out man. i regret going out because i didnt sleep what i wanted to sleep.i hope i learned my lesson and just go home after work and get some needed rest. i regret going out. i cant say i wont do it again,but i want to stop that urge to do something to prove that im cool to prove that im not boring. what does it matter i should not be so influenced that i have to deal with this anxiety and weariness.now my aunt is back and i cant receive her like i wanted to because im in a bad mood. i dont want to go to work i want to get some sleep and i cant even do that because i cant sleep when i want to.

All people are trying to do is help me. But I let them put words in my mind and my emtion. I don't know exactly how I feel and I have to tell myself that is okay. I still feel the frustration down there. I don't know exactly why that is happening, but I know God is on my side and if I'm faithful to a good conscience and I don't give into that desire something good will come out of that. So I know I have that problem right now and that is okay. I just want to enjoy a good colom

I don't want to be with him anymore. I hate him I hate him I hate him. How do I get myself out of this mess for good. When will I stop missing him after I decide to leave him for good. I feel bad for putting his hopes up but I can't do nothing about what my heart is telling me. When I'm not with him for a while I miss his sense of humor I miss the way his family made me feel like I was the one. And when we meet each other up it feels nice and genuine but slowly those feelings go away and I'm left here just trying to find peace in a relationship that is so fake to me but pobrecito we both hurt each other. i feel like kevin is not the one and i just have to move on. im so mad why isnt he the one? but either way i must be boring everybody around me with the same story. so im not going to be mad and im going to put my focus on moving on i have to move on i have move on. its what is best and hope i can put finding a man aside and focus on my friends and enjoying my life. i feel depressed cuz of the decision i have to make and knowone else can make it for me. why me ? why fail? why cant it be fruitful? why cant it work? why do i fail so much?

I'm horny and mad. I feel so angry at god for not putting a sincere love towards kevin. I don't know how to channel my anxirty into peace when I keep on having sex with my xboyfriend.I'm so stupid I keep hurting myself hitting myself with more insanity. Nothing,not medication cures the insanity I get with kevin.I don't know who to turn to. I guess time is my only ally.Worrk went by quicker because I realized how easy the job really is. The only problem is my legs they are already killing me and its only been 5 hours. I wanted another job but maybe right now the best thing is to stay active to recooperate completely. I'm scared ill never have the character to not be on anti-depressant to help me out. I wish vannesa wouldn't be so angry at me its like its easy for her to do that with me. But she doesn't understand the hell I went through. I don't even understand it because it now seems gone but I know I didn't fake it so I know not to play with sin anymore especially since I have conscience of it. I keep thinking about kevin and my guilt still haunts me.its a weird combination of feelings;I want to be with him now that I'm better,but I don't want to be with him at the same time. I want to move on but I'm heartbroken by the desire being there itself. I keep thinking about the dream I had and seeing johnny and its like nothing is a coincidence but what is the porpuse of me knowing kevin during this time? I know I was there for him as support when his dad bailed out and then when they got back together. I know I tried to seek help for johnny and I mustve prayed for him even though I had anxiety myself.. him having the disorder and me being around is no coincidence but I'm not with kevin that tragedy seems to have meant nothing at the moment. Maybe ill understand later on. The best thing I could do for myself is to stay away from him until God if it is his will then he will give me the green light.but for now I know single and happy is the road to take. And if its not meant to be like it possibly could happen I have to forgive myself and give someone else the chance. God knows everything about me he knows my heart. He knows what's best for the both of us.

im mad i still have anxiety and that im not able to control it. im mad i had such weird dreams and they give me a headache. im mad mad mad mad and i dont know why its like a battle inside i want to let it loose, but if i dont control it things are not going to get better and i want to get better. i keep trying to calm myself down but its not working i dont have the strength for it i dont want to do it why should i have to do this? i feel so pressured by God. Like he is demanding of me a mountain i cant carry. isnt it enough?

today i woke up and i was thinking about how to fill my day up with activities and i kept feeling depressed.i think a lot of important things when im in the shower i wish i could record those thoughts because i want to jot them down and put them behind me once and for all. like for instance i noticed how ive improved with the whole being active becuase today has gone by pretty quick. i still have a problem just relaxin because i feel like im wasting time and it gives me a lot of anxiety. i think about kevin and i think about how confused and double-minded my heart is i know that if i saw him face-to-face today i would coward and not give him eye sight. why then do i persist to think about him? do i really believe this can change with time? dont i just need to move on? when will the hurt i did or what ive done stop influencing the way i feel? why do i still think about him if i reject his family's call? if i dont care. so how can i have peace with the world with mankind and my soul if this problem is evident still and alive in my heart. i have no clean conscience i just pushed a problem away and i dont know how long i can do that but im determined to keep that way to not be insane lane anymore. no more hurting myself. no more straing away from Gods will. no more. no more. God help me. im glad i was able to sit in class today i gotta keep going and not give up. keep on being productive. i also noticed i cant keep putting myself down and i keep putting myself down even though im doing better. in class i get really nervous and i freeze, but if i put that aside i can see that i learned a lot of things today. for instance, i learned that i am not a computer and thats why i need the book to remind me of steps and to remind me of the conditions to meet the persons need when it comes to doing taxes i saw luis help out people and that makes me learn about how to relate to cliantale. i was also thinking that i understand that being humble is not acting like a little kid. somehow i behave childish to show humbleness. i guess i get it from the scripture that says that if you are like a child you will enter the kingdom of heaven. i know God is telling me that is not what he means and that he wants me to grow into an adult. i want to grow as an adult. i want to be an adult, but that is a process that does not come fast and i am open minded. i know i depend a lot on my mom to take iniciative. my mom does not wait for my grandma to tell her what to do to do something or to think something. thats why we rely as adults on God because we dont need to lean on our parents. its that fear to make mistakes, to not know how to behave that makes me lean on my mom and with time i have to let her know that she needs to stop pampering me when i am ready because little by little i have grown accustomed to that and that is not good for me as develop might add

Yesterday night was insame. I decided that today will be the day to myself or my reference point to know when I stopped taking abilify. I'm going to get better since I will never talk to kevin again since my mom told his mom everything.I was really nervous yesterday. It was a day that I was really strong because I was dancing standing up and I had worked 8 hours. The whole time I felt like the spotlight was on me because raul digs me so again I'm being defined by a male. I wish me and the girls where closer.

i feel like crap. my reputation with that family is destroyed and im going crazy for it. i cant believe my life has come to this point and as a christian my testimony is in question in big big question. i feel like my sickness has to do a lot with this, but it is also my responsibility to accept what is happening but its so hard to accept and to be free from this. when i think about what maru said i know he is not the best thing for me and neither i for him. God, i dont know how to approach you i feel like you have led me down a lot i had big expectations and i know that if i havent killed myself its because of your grace. now, its time to get myself together and remember that you have forgiven me and that you want me to stop sinning against my own health.

I should have known having sex with kevin makes me go into a spin of insanity. I can't be with him like this. I don't want to be with him when I can't control myself. I regret having gone into his house but I wanted to see him and kiss him and probably do it too which is the worst part. I'm gonna ask god for grace to finally accept I can't see kevin in his house.

Nana just spoke to me and she's like inviting me to be like closer to her and why would she want me to her unless its cuz she wants me to take care of delaini more often. And she wants to meet my mom I mean this shit is so formal its scary when I'm trying to separate myself from kevin.ahhh I feel stuck. But at the same time its like whao I'm happy she's talking good about the babysitting thing.

Today I have to express my happiness because I feel like myself again although I couldn't sleep until late I'm still grateful I was able to sleep period.

so i left the party cuz i was curling into a ball of fear, as usual around people. people just seem to feed of my fear and they dont like that. either way i had nothing else to say. my mind grows blank and there aint no one willing to help me cuz i know they dont know me. So im here at home alone. wether that is good or not i dont know but at least i dont feel rejected by nobody.Life suxs. aint nothing more to it. its the truth i believe because of my situation. i dont know what else to do but to desire death. because i prayed and this is all i get. Something that doesnt fall short of insanity and unhealthiness. what a christian right? so full of love and peace. i dont pick up the phone for what? to tell him how wak i feel. Nobody understands my plight. my confusion at my own state, my screams for a way out of this. but i find none everything is just the same. i dont wanna live anymore but hey God decides when he is going to take it away.

im making an inventory of wht has been going on with me. for the past three days or something i was trying to sleep with half of lunesta and it was working until two days ago i started getting those waking up with anxiety and i feel lost i wake up dazed. i know today i made the decision to sleep with the other half i had after waking up at 4, but today im still going to take half and im going to keep on tryin because taking a whole makes me feel astranged and high a high i recognize and dont like at all. but im determined to not let it affect im going to humble myself to go God and go on with my life.

i wanna do my room, i wanna check my mail, i wanna download music, i wanna talk to my friends, i wanna pray, i found my ipod thingy, i fixed my book closet, went with my mom to bj's, im not doing food today, i wanna relax, i wanna do my laundry, i want to study, feel like time goes by so fast. i wanna calmed down, i have obssesive compulsive behavior. i dont know what to do im doing my best to slow down to take my time to not go crazy. i bought marylin her gift yei.

i dont like who i am because for some reason i have trouble talking. i always say words the wrong way. like isntead of pronouncing water i say waaatter or something weird comes out and its like i dont know english and its hard for me to learn fast music i cant talk fast. all of these things makes me feel stupid really really stupid and its one of the reasons i hesitate and restrain from being comftorable around me because i think it would be wak to them and they would not like me cuz not a lot of people like to hang out with stuttering people not the more with someone semi-dumb. so then the spiritual explanation would be that if this is part of who God made me then there is people who will accept me even with my flaws. Maybe i wont be liked by everybody, but the right people will like me. i just feel like ive lost my coolness i wasnt like this before i think when i was younger. i just started happening when i got anxiety and i became this worried nervous freak. i dont know what im soppused to do with people. like who im i sopposed to be? what i am now is not good enough i know it because of i see people having confidence, not being restrained and doing funny acts and acting and impersonating. And saying spontaneous things. like angel that is a perfect example or autumn. And this is what ive been worried about and i dont know what to tell God about it. Maybe im sopposed to overcome this and let it not be a big deal in my life and when it becomes the size of an ant i will be more confident more secure. i also can undermine that i have been through the toughest time in my life and that i am drained and bitter and that slowly im recuperating so i cant overask my self on this matter. this is a plus+. i have gotten better at talking to people and getting over my fears and im pretty liked around the Publix even though im kind of fake because i dont show who i am. but ohh welll. right now im jamming to classical music and im loving it, finally something i love even though a lot of kids will think ima grandma if i told them but i dont care. it sounds good to my ears and like my brother said: there is not hate between taste.

My heart is unsteady. i feel like i did the right thing, but im unhappy in a way maybe depressed. But was i soppused to do? There is one fact i get anxiouty and i become frenzy for sex and unpatient and coldhearted when im around him without having control of it. AND I could not sleep in peace. So he called me today and i decided i wasnt gonna have sex with him like that would work. He told me he had a dream with me and that me and him went to a museum and that i wasnt amuzed but later on i saw some dinasours and i started to like it. He also went to lesters party and mayra stephanie denisse bryan dewie henry all those people where there and he had fun and all eyes where on him everybody admires kevin and they all know how to joke with him and he knows how to joke back and bring happiness everywhere he goes. its incredible. so he asked me if i wanted to go with him to the merrick mall and i said yes. with anxiout right along with it. while i was in the shower i felt like dammm i wanted to go, but at the same time i wanted to call and be like leave me alone. but the leave me alone part i just blamed it on the anxiouty and i oppressed away by keeping myself busy. i did my room and i did my hair even though it was only an hour it sure felt like a long time. to my surprise the anxiouty simmered down so i rode along with it and Kevin looked handsome as he always does. He talked about his desires how by he is 21 he wants to have his own place and how he asked his dad not to give him anything for christmas just to help him for the downpayment of his own house. i felt like he told me all these things to try to get to me to try to prove to me that the best thing i could do is to be with him. but i did not feel it. i didnt feel happy and i dont take his words seriously at this point and its not my fault!! But we played around and i spoke about my dreams as much as i could. The mall was amazing and we were being sweet with each other and when we got to tommy bahamas everything was peaceful and when we were eating we were together in the sense of enjoying the moment. Then he said all he wanted was to get some and i was freakin horny my puzzy was thumping the whole time i just wanted to get it on. So we went to victoria secret and i got a langerie and he bought me a perfume. we went to a hotel and i danced for him and i kissed and when i got to kiss his forehead i felt a rush of uphoria and extreme pleasure but it only lasted until then because i just faked pleasure the whole time but i was happy we was hitting it. So i got the guts to tell him i wanted to move on i dont know why i just wanted to get it out of my system. So i said why arent you mad at me? and he said im just sad for you. ill never forget those words because they are true. im missing out on something great and its not my fault!!! He told me i would come back to him but i dont see that happening. i got tired of asking God everything that needed to be there so we could be together. im starting to believe the best thing i could do is do my own thing and try to move on whatever that means. From here on on i dont know how to react how to feel happy sad hopeful of what? ill try my best to seek for God and to hope for purity of heart and for selfdominion and the fruits of the spiriti and forgiveness with my family and friends. Try to do school and behave and as for a man in my life im open minded for change for love but ill pray that when i seek or it finds me that im prepared to be with someone and care for them and to not only want them for lust and to not just want it to fill an emptyness.i dont know if ill be strong enough for all the challenge that awaits my time and growth but i know ill give it a shot. Everything is going to be okay and time will tell the truth.